THE BOONDOGGLER'S BIBLE

(An Excerpt)
by Edgar Allan Philpott

Motorcycle Photo of Edgar Allan Philpott
by Ted Parrott/Montage by Albert L. Baker

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I.

Thou shouldst defer until the future that which couldst have been accomplished today or yesterday.

Translation: Procrastinate. When questioned about what's taking so long, do not give a direct answer. In fact, if you can possibly avoid being held responsible, do not answer at all.

Procedure Under Fire: When forced to give an answer, use one of three approaches:

1. Say the matter is being looked into and the finding/decision/solution will be forthcoming soon.
2. Pass the proverbial buck by referring the inquirer to another person, place, department or agency.
3. Ignore the inquiry.

Thou shouldst believe in thyself above all others, for Thy way is the one and only way, the truth and the life--even if thou knowest this ain't true.

Translation: Prevaricate. Do not let your conscience be your guide.

Procedure Under Fire: If you live long enough with procrastination and prevarication, you will live a life of ease because you'll no longer have a conscience that tries to whisper as your still small Voice Within.

Thou shalt preach first to thyself and it shall follow as the night follows the day, Thou shalt become an Adept at preaching to all others.

Translation: Pontificate. When ignored, step up your empty-talk pace until you resemble a filibusterer still arguing after both houses of Congress have left for summer break.

Procedure Under Fire: Pat yourself on the back for a job well done, because there might not be anyone else willing to do it for you; if someone should be so willing, welcome him or her to the unofficial Fraternal Order of Boondogglers, because it takes one to know one.